Remember Hiroshima

 6th. August 1945

 

140,000 died
I do not have to show the horrific images of destroyed fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, the old and the young. I have a firm belief echoed elsewhere - 
I will not kill.
To me that means anyone, ever, and under any circumstances.
Remember.

Monotheism

In no way do I intend to discuss the merits of the major religious beliefs or compare one with another. My intention is to record some details/myths/legends that have come to interest me. I am an authority on none, but I seek to understand what I can and hopefully I offend no one, but that is not always certain. I was educated a Catholic and in my years I have had friends who have followed various Christian faiths, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism and other beliefs like the Hare Krishna and even The Children of God. Once I collected books on Catholicism, the saints and their writings, but over the years I have read a little of everything from the Book of Mormon, the Qur'an, the stories of the Greek, Roman and other gods, to two versions of the Egyptian book of the Dead. So many similarities flow through man's interpretation of the unknown and the spiritual and it is obvious that all cultures and times have had the need to have something in their lives other then the material world that we can see, smell, taste and touch. Many today follow a belief in the One God. The earliest Egyptian civilisation believed in a single supreme god, who had no name, but was described as the source of light, the creator of all. He brought fourth rules or natural laws and in their diagrammatic literature these were personified in what we see as the gods and goddesses. Briefly around 1350 BCE flourished the worship proclaimed by Akhenaton, at Amarna (Akhetaten) in Egypt, of the Aten/Aton as the one and only manifestation of god, in the near east Zoroaster saw the revelation of one supreme being in the eternal flame around 600 BCE and some hundred years later in the Middle East appeared the historical writings from the 'descendants' of Abraham, out of whose customs grew Judaism, Christianity and indirectly Islam.

When Abraham was held back by God from sacrificing Isaac (on the rock above situated inside The Dome Of The Rock) around 2000 BCE, his God which became the God of the Israelites was seen as but one of many. From the days of Abraham to the days of Moses and beyond, a pantheon of local gods still existed. When we talk about Akhenaton having but one god, to many others He too was but one of many. Even Allah was originally one of many a local god. The God of Abraham and Israel was their God, their chief god, whom they believed proved himself over and over to be greater than the gods of other lands and peoples. Even the first of the Ten Commandments recognises  'other gods'. However the other gods were often no more than the local interpretation of a single or at least chief god under a local name. The expression of mythology has common threads and cultural adaptation. Compromise and absorption reinterpret stories and places to suite the needs of a particular people or tribe or more often the power behind a system of civilisation. The sacredness of the place (rock) above is variously seen as related to Adam, Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Mohammed, but instead of being recognised and accepted as a source of commonality it and many other things are often a source of bitter argument. Instead of being a symbol of enlightenment and history it is possessively fought over. Instead of being inclusive it is seen as exclusive. To me it is such arrogance to believe that God is on your side to the exclusion of everyone else. If, as many believe, He is the creator, did He not create all. No one was born to be lesser to or slave to another. The revelations and knowledge of the world and nature are for all. No one has a presumptuous monopoly on truth or the best way of seeking it. Monotheism was a gradual process and it was not until around 500 BCE that the idea that for one Middle Eastern group the God of Israel was the one and only God and always was. Christianity, at first a Jewish sect, confused the issue by developing the idea of a Trinity which took 400 years to define, and even then as a mystery. This Trinity along with the Holy Family, seems to have roots in the three names of the Egyptian God and their fondness for triads, (usually parents and son). Iconography has been adapted from many sources of the past. 

The Star of Macedon, which impacted on the world because of the conquering exploits of Alexander the Great, was soon adopted by the artists of the church to represent great spiritual power e.g. the halo of Christ, Mary and the saints. The rays of the sun (from the star) similar to the rays of the Egyptian Aton are seen blazing from the head of Christ and the virtuous saints.  When we look at the history of Islam, Allah was but the chief amongst a pantheon of Arab gods until they recognised that He was the same God as the God of the Israelites and of the Christians, but was seen as speaking to the Arab world. Just as the Jews had eventually got rid of all other gods, so did the Moslems. Perhaps it was a lack of understanding of the beliefs of others, the need to have ownership of belief and thoughts moulded by cultural differences, as exists today. One region's understanding may not be different to another's, but they all struggled to understand the indefinable unknown and eternal with greater or lesser success. As philosophy is always subject to the frailties of man, it can often go astray. Some claim divine revelation which I see as logical if god exists and wishes us to understand, but revelation can not be certain. The truth of creation or the law of nature must eventually reveal itself simply because it is the truth, it is how things are. You may wish to call the natural part scientific fact. I am not one who dismisses religion because of recent scientific discoveries, because we can adapt and improve explanations according to an increase in knowledge, unless we wish to be fixed in tradition, which ignores the developing human mind. Never forget we are on a journey. Science and religion are not mutually exclusive as to how the universe operates. The only difference would be the possible elimination of miraculous intervention, which goes against the natural order of things, but I am enough of an agnostic to allow for any possibilities, even if I have severe doubts. I will not presume to know all. The great question posed by Pontius Pilot  'What is truth' is one of the eternal quandaries and at the beginning of all, in our earliest western civilisation lies the guidance of truth (the Egyptian god and ideal of Ma'at), from which all else flows.

" In the eyes of man, God has many faces and each swears he has seen the true and only God. Yet it is not so, for all of these faces are merely the face of God. Our Ka, which is our double, reveals them to us in different ways. By drawing from the bottomless well of wisdom, which is hidden in the essence of every man, we perceive grains of truth, which give those of us with knowledge the power to perform marvellous things."

This quote is from 'The Egyptian Book of the Dead' or 'The Book of Coming Forth by Day' which legend says was written by Tehuty (claimed as 50,000 years ago) who was the father of all knowledge and one offspring of the eight primordial beings who came from the lost island (Atlantis story perhaps?) to settle Asia Africa Europe and Egypt.

The inspiring sight of the hajj. Enshrined in the Kabala, the black curtained block, is the altar of Allah. A meteorite fallen to earth in pre-history, which legend says was originally fashioned as an altar by Adam and later restored by Abraham and Ishmael, it had been an altar of pilgrimage for early cultures many centuries before Mohammed inspired the faith of Islam.

Where do I stand?  I would not presume to dictate to anyone. I do believe however that religion or the spiritual is part of each of us whether we like it or not. One can easily see various religions, differing sects within a belief and the supposed opposition of science in some people’s ideas. Even those who dismiss the spiritual completely are often brought into the argument and they do ponder and have to defend to themselves if not others. Generally from the beginning of humanity it seems that the struggle to understand ourselves and the world has pointed to the heavens and it’s stars, nature around us and the supposition of the divine. The divine has taken many names and shapes and even no name and no shape, but still the quest continues. Each man's inner understanding is unique: unique to his own experience, his family, race and background, his position in his life’s journey and of course his place in the history of time.  

            Perhaps there is a truth, but the act of wondering, searching and understanding IS the religious experience. Many religions claim revelations which happen over time. If that is so it seems terribly unfair to those who have passed on before a new ‘ truth’ is awakened. That is why I believe that in fairness it is the struggle which is important. Enlightenment can not be in the answer, as so many beliefs also claim that answers are yet to come or true knowledge is unattainable by we mere mortals. Faith in what someone has told you? Blind acceptance of evolving and changing man made rules? Continuing to be ruled by a tradition that often has its foundation in a society and a time that no longer exists? Are these important or even good? Our journey is our own and if we wish to go down that path of unquestioning adherence it is easier, but beware. Putting little personal effort into a belief hardly seems the right path to me. Even discovering if you have a belief is difficult enough, but accepting imposed certainty is a lie unless we have each examined it. The great saints, sages and prophets had doubts. We are told that Jesus Christ asked in the garden to have his suffering taken away, and on the Cross he asked why God had abandoned him. Uncertainty is not a problem, it is more likely a recurring element of the search. Questions have to be defined before an answer can be seen or even sought. Sometimes we may feel on the verge of realising an answer but are unsure of the question. Today we often hear of interfaith ceremonies, we hear of some general acceptance of the faith of others. Is is true? Belonging to a particular religious group is not necessarily right or wrong. It may be just right for one individual at that moment in time and at that place in their search. Religions as organisations may be just a stepping stone to understanding ourselves and our place in this universe. I see a separation between god and religion. One may exist of itself the other was created by man. As for Religion and the State - how can any group dictate the individuals personal progress. You are not told how tall to grow and just the same you can not be told in which direction your contemplation should head. No one has the answer, the truth, and therefore can not impose it on others. It is a journey just as living in the material world is a journey of change and we are responsible for our own steps.

There is no possibility of defining my thoughts in a brief note on a web site. It is far too complex and it is a living process and encapsulating it in one moment of time is therefore of necessity a mistake. All I can say is that I do contemplate, change and my thoughts come and go like the tides of my life. Therefore it would also be wrong to comment on the ideas of another. One just hopes that the journey is in the overall picture a forward one and we accept that there are many sidetracks explored and perhaps rejected. This is not to say that we do not return to a sidetrack for further examination from time to time. So as I said, where do I stand? - uncertainly on the fence wondering and searching, and I expect to stay there for the remainder of my life. God may just exist, in spite of the religions of the world and their need to often redefine him as a warrior. Under no circumstances can I see that if a creator is responsible for this world and this universe, was it created to have some people preferred because of their gender, their personality, their race, their contribution to the superficial or the time in which they lived. The persecutions that have taken place throughout history in the name of a preferred man made description of a supreme being are testament to how much man's frail imagination, selfishness, bigotry and lust for superiority or power are involved in the image we have of God.

The Boy and the Green Umbrella

A memory fragment.

1975, and I am on a train from Paris to London. Looking into the passageway from my compartment I see the most beautiful, elegant young man I have ever seen. Dark, well tailored suit, knee length jacket thrown over his shoulders and a green umbrella in his right hand. He continued to stroll past my door, or loiter in the corridor outside for the remainder of the rhythmic journey to Calais. While wandering on the Channel Ferry I continued to notice him in the distance until we met by chance on the deck of the boat, as we approached the white chalk cliff face on the way in to Dover port. As the spray washed over our faces we introduced ourselves, only to be separated a short time later at the Passport desk. I waited on the other side for him which seemed to please him. On the train to Victoria Station we spoke of Australia and sheep, Milan, where he came from and Germany which was his Fathers birthplace. This explained why the beautiful Italian boy with blond hair was named Hans. He looked like a young Helmut Berger. He spoke Italian, German, French and was to stay with family friends in England to improve his English. One week after parting at the station I jumped off the Tube and literally fell into him. For the next three days we explored London the cinema and tourist spots gently and together. I returned home with another brief, platonically romantic memory.

A 2015 Update

Carol Burns, Tom Cossettini and Dylan Evans in rehearsal
In 2014 I was thrilled to hear a line 'The boy with the green umbrella" uttered by Tom Cossettini in a new play written by Dylan Evans. They had asked for submissions of stories of love and received hundreds. I was honoured to get a mention in the play script with this story.
http://pepisymposium.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/oedipus-love-by-daniel-evans.html

Fundamentalism

It has appeared in the past, but a re-emergence in recent decades has been what is called fundamentalism in all the major religions. I am not sure who put such a tag on what appears to be no more than the emergence of radicalism that stems from a bias towards a literal interpretation of beliefs and ignores scientific fact, cultural perspective and love. To me ‘Love’ should be at the core of most belief. When I say literal, I mean a particular interpretation of the written word, for even then we read or translate an idea according to our own bias. Often I see it as the result of a lazy mind, which finds it simpler to berate others to justify one's own perceived superiority.  Perceived or recognised unfair distribution of wealth can cause frustration and anger on one hand and on the other, greed is often the source of a need to maintain dominance. Also blind belief can be an excuse for or a subconscious expression of a more secular political ambition. How anyone can be so sure of being right when millions can hold to truths that have other names mystifies me. Are we so sure of ourselves? Surely we all search and surely it would be better to share our understandings, find commonality and all make progress from there. All religions develop, change and grow, and to me it would be obvious that if the human condition is worth it, we should be advancing together and towards a common understanding, not strengthening hatreds born of badly informed ignorance and even more damning, a laziness of the mind. Many mistakes are made in understanding because we are human - not because we are evil.

Why is the central strength of so many religions the need to specifically define what is presumed to be wrong in others? I do hear more of what is considered to be bad than how we should be nice to one another, but then again I am subject to what the media will tell me of the statements of those in religious power. The promotion of bias and xenophobia in the media is truly rife.

Do we pray? Do we believe in angels? Do we clutch at crystals? Do we gather strength from pyramids? Do we believe in magic? Do we think that God will help us win the Lotto, and is God on our side when we go to battle? Do we think of anything, but our pleasures or our survival in the immediate? Symbols strengthen our resolve and aid us in focusing our thoughts. We have several senses and they are all bought into play when we experience life within and around us. We are perhaps body and soul and they are inseparably united to make us what we are. We need to touch, see and hear that which we try to understand. The sound of a hymn or a chant can aid in lifting the spirits, the sight of an image can remind us of a thought and all about us teaches or as some prefer, the absence of an image leaves the mind clear to contemplate the divine unhindered. I would like to have the freedom to choose what is best for me and even that may vary from time to time. To everything there is a season.  There are so many ways to contemplate the meaning of life.  None of us are the same so forced adherence to the ideas of another is not the answer. If we were all identical in thought and obedience the human condition would not grow, understanding would not change or ever progress and we may as well have no freedom to wonder or question and thus would we be human anymore? Why would we bother?

Confused and Upset?

" You are not paranoid. The bastards really are out to get you." There is only so much criticism one can take upon oneself before reacting. Is it me or them? Can the whole world be wrong? Or as a friend once said "I feel like a little green man from Mars."

How often have we felt alienated like this and how do we react? I have certainly felt it before, and many feel it now. It is, and probably will always, on occasions, be a valid statement of how desolate life can be. Life often appears so full of potential, but unfulfilled potential is nothing but stress. Do not be scared to go for it. The great problem is, one individual gets the courage to go for it and another caves in to fear. If we dropped the shit and coordinated our efforts, the problem would not exist. It is all a matter of pathetically bad timing that we end up at cross purposes. We may miss the bus by a matter of seconds, but we have still missed the bus. We have not linked up with each other and we end up on different paths.

Sometimes one also needs to face the attacks and criticism and be a minority of one. A lone voice can still be the correct voice. Goodness or truth should not be subject to democracy or in other words the majority is not necessarily correct. What is right comes from informed thought, painful logic and the consideration of the good of the many, not the decision of the many.

Courage

I could never be a hero in battle. Probably for two reasons. The first being that I can not understand the need for violence and secondly I do anything to avoid being hurt. Pain I detest, both to myself and inflicting it upon others. However there are many ways to suffer or inflict pain. Physical pain can be eased more rapidly than emotional pain which is perhaps where our failure is most often seen.

It takes little courage to kill, to ignore, to be ignorant, selfish or hurtful. But it takes much courage to have an idea and defend it by argument. It takes courage to admit the ideas of others are better then our own. It takes courage to seek the truth. It takes courage to see ourselves. It takes courage to love. You need backbone.

"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." Amelia Earhart

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." Clive Staples Lewis

"But wherefore thou alone? Wherefore with thee
Came not all hell broke loose? Is pain to them
Less pain, less to be fled, or thou than they
Less hardy to endure? Courageous chief,
The first in flight from pain, hadst thou alleged
To thy deserted host this cause of flight,
Thou surely hadst not come sole fugitive."

John Milton, Paradise Lost

David showed courage when confronted by Goliath and he also sought courage and comfort from Jonathan
Click to Enlarge

When faced with the unknown we may display fear. It does take courage to approach what is unfamiliar without prejudice.

My page on Zenophobia which has no courage.

Sex - Be not afraid!

The most misunderstood personal act in the entire human repertoire of activities is sex. It is personal, powerful, and the most exciting moment of temporary madness that we experience. It is unforgivable how many of us find it necessary to peer into the bedroom of our neighbours and judge, usually adversely, the activities we imagine to be going on there; unforgivable, but understandable. Generally while engaged in sexual activity, we look from our mind to the beloved, and see beauty and love. If however we are forced to contemplate the act of sex between others, we observe from a vantage point that is impersonal, devoid of the colour of affection, and consequently and necessarily lack empathy with what is being expressed.

Coldly, one might see or imagine nothing, but the awkward manoeuvring of bodies that may not suit your ideas of physical perfection. Are they too old, too fat, too ugly for you? Who cares? They are presumably not doing it for you. Without a sensitive, enlightened and poetic director to control proceedings, one could be forgiven for believing that sex is unlikely to be realised as a spectator sport that is worthy of acclaim. With so much against voyeurism, it is no wonder that it is easy for the narrow minded obsessive to find sex distasteful if performed by anyone other then them/ourselves.

However it is good. I like sex, and I do not intend to stay on the negativeness that so often surrounds it. I would rather speak of the beauty of sex and love. Although the two do not necessarily have to go together, I would like to muse for a while on the connection of the two, dare I say the intertwining of love and sex. However I can not do it yet. This is difficult to express correctly, and I want to say something when I feel capable.  I still believe the censorship of others would interpret any comments from their own subjective limits. Once again, I believe it (imagination) is part of the human condition that is difficult to approach objectively. There are no universals in beauty, or taste, no one brings the same baggage of experience as the next person and understanding with clarity our own thoughts is neither easy nor is it always possible.

A moment from my novel 'Dance With The Sun'

On the evening of the fourteenth day he lay shivering and naked in his sealed room with only the unstable light of a single candle revealing the unwanted existence of the world about him. Foetal-like he sought security, wrapped in his moist bedclothes. He lay on his back. He lay on his stomach. He ground his groin into a pillow. He stretched his thigh along a mattress not quite covered by a torn sheet. Tears flowed through his lashes and droplets of fluid seeped pearl-like from the tip of his untouched, exploding and alien erection. The blood drained from the enemy and in the mirror of a half open cupboard door, he set his eyes upon that part of him that had no where to go; his friendless friend. The cyclops stared back uncaring. The eye would not shift its gaze as the shrivelled armour shrunk and expanded over and over again oblivious to the face contemplating its unfolding ugliness. Folds shrivelled and moved as it roamed through the forbidden forest, foraging for satisfaction like a mucous covered snail in search of a shell within which to hide. Thoughts of long past satisfaction strengthened its resolve to seek, but realisation of futility stilled the glistening point of its observation. Hatred for the monster sullied his brain. Yearning for renewed friendship pained his muscles. The arrogance of the challenge before him frightened the boy, as beyond his powers the foreign assault stood to confront the pathetic state of his securities. In an attempt to stare it into submission he summoned up visions of wasted potential to throw in its face, but still it faced him with determined vengeance. Against his will, the untouchable spectacle stood it's ground in challenge to the weakness exposed. Primordial reserves were brought into play as his pores opened in a final attempt to pour control over the situation and sweat oozed into the field of battle. Monster faced monster; demons all, until with a primal cry he clasped it with his hands and throttled the enemy until from the crimson eye burst the white shreds of submission. Falling asleep with the lifeblood of the monster setting like flaked serpent’s skin across his stomach, the boy dreamed of hell. From the inferno he sought an escape for himself and his friend the monster.

A performance piece by The Humping Pact
recorded and live for an audience.

There are other clips of  German Group The Humping Pact here on this blog.

Toe to Top

I ask myself the question - Why am I putting this old piece here? It was written many years ago, but it is a strong memory. Think what you may.

A persons physical appearance is not the mark of their character, however it does have an effect on the development of that character and some effect on how people see that person, and put them in perspective. We often begin to know a person because of something we see, a first impression. To help set the scene and create an image to play with and not allow any distracting misinterpretation I would like to begin by describing his physical appearance. It is also the easiest way to start, and will bring back many memories from which I will find inspiration.

If we begin on the ground I can see his feet. They are small and well shaped. Perhaps I say this because they are, as he often says, not unlike mine, only mine are larger. He likes to look after them. A very precise person, contrary to appearances at first glance, to some. He likes to be barefoot, but if shoes are necessary he is very particular as to the image he creates, as he is with all of his appearance. What appears to be haphazard is in fact well thought out, and works to perfection. The elegant and small foot is usually deceptively hidden inside large heavy and strong looking boots, almost safety boots, but safety against what? I have a photograph on the wall which I can interpret in many ways. It was not created intentionally but the image begs attention. There is a ghostly image of him caused by movement at the moment of preservation of this image. The body is dispersed, transparent and in motion but the feet are clear and placed firmly on the floor. I am not sure he realises it but his feet are firmly planted on the ground, even though the rest of him may not yet be totally drawn together. The image and evidence is there of something wonderful and interesting. It needs only some clarification, some definition. I have often photographed him from such an angle that makes his feet seem larger than they are. Is this his intention or mine. When he stands however there is a tendency to turn the feet in. This has a remarkable affect on his posture, producing a stance that is vulnerable and a flow of the body that is sensuous beyond belief. It has the affect of consequently reducing the appearance of the size of the foot. Take a small foot , enlarge it with a boot and shrink it back again with the way he places it and already you can see the interest he can create. This is the enigma. What is it about this person that raises him above the ordinary.

His legs are slender. There is light black hair from around the knee down, and absolutely no hair from there up. When I first met him his legs were much slimmer and sinewy. The muscles are taught and strong, the skin is like silk not only to the eye but to the touch, and now that he has put on some extra weight his legs are smooth, perfectly proportioned, unblemished and a joy to behold. I think he likes to show them off in shorts and this should be encouraged. I know he thinks they are skinny, or at least were, and I know he displays no ego about his appearance, but there is a healthy self awareness that suits him, and allows him to give of himself. He rides a bike and dances energetically. His legs bend, contort, jump and are a feature of the way he expresses a joy in being alive. Activity of the body is one of the most obvious releases of his thirst for reality and enthusiasm for being a part of this here and now.

He is embarrassed about the size or shape of his bottom. This I cannot understand. It is strong, beautiful, firm and like glass to the touch. His penis is uncircumcised smooth and creamy to look at, and is surrounded by long black pubic hair. I will not go too far here because there is a privacy that as yet I am not sure I should invade. He has a tendency to be coy and private sometimes and take a joy in nakedness at others. I on the other hand see great beauty in free nakedness in anyone, although in him there is a particular perfection and aesthetic pleasure that he should be always proud of. Here I think we disagree at the moment. I hope he will feel free to be appreciated. I would like to write in great detail, and yet might, but for now I will pass on.

Continuing from his knees to his shoulders is a smooth and beautiful line and proportion. The abdomen, chest and back are so well defined it is almost beyond description. He is not overdeveloped but strong looking. There is a particular tilt in his hips and slight pouting of the abdomen when he stands with his feet turned in, that brings to mind the stance of a Renaissance statue. This is part of the otherworldliness that he possesses. There are images of such classic beauty that appear to almost come from the soul. Without an inner gentleness and beauty of mind it would be impossible for the body to express such images. There is an innocence and naturalness that emanates through every pore of his body. Mostly I would say he is unaware of this. If he was, it would be impossible to manufacture such an image. It is a true image of what I have said is an exceptional person. He is completely unaware of how giving of himself this is. Sometimes he thinks he is cut off from humanity but I have seen someone more capable of being part of all that is best in humanity and possessing more respect and love for it, than he realises. Over this torso he likes to wear tight fitting, collarless shirts that emphasise the contours of his waist and chest, and create an image of delicacy that once again confuses the image of his actual strength and proportions. Always a contradiction to confound and inspire.

Strong shoulders, slender wrists and delicate hands are a strange flow that are part of the balance of his well proportioned body. All part of the enigma. His nails are well groomed and white, except for the heavy nicotine stain on one hand. They are hands that constantly reach out to people to touch, to comfort, to express his love and feel for reassurance. He holds these hands with elegance. He is strong, however his hands are always delicate and gentle. There is no aggression in them. Through those hands he must not only communicate physically but must write, paint and express himself.

How now to describe his face. A pixie, a Pre-Raphaelite painting, a boy, a man? At times he looks so young and then on closer inspection he has a maturity of one who has seen much. Surrounded by hair that is dark and organised chaos, short, long, platted, knotted, always different, always interesting, always him. Skin that is smooth that belies the fact that he does shave, much to his annoyance. Dimpled chin, furrowed brow, pug nose, small mouth that is soft and sweet, round cheeks. His eyes are small and squinty sometimes if he is doing nothing. If he is happy or intense or confused or sad they open up to be so expressive. He uses his eyes to convey things just as he uses his hands, and his whole body at times. I have seen him laugh, cry, sleep, enjoy pleasure, suffer pain, experience wonderment. I have seen him puzzled, worried, scared, angry, interested, bored, pleased and even proud. He does it all, and his face and body language are open and honest and easy to read. I expect that he will remain youthful for some time and age will appear suddenly on his face, and with it an even more intense beauty of experience. He will look kindly on the world and it will look kindly on him. He will become serene. It will show.

I have photographed his face as much as his body and there is a soul in this person. He can create images of such beauty and intensity that I would like to capture these images as often as I can. These moments have an eternity about them. I feel I have never captured someone on film so well. I know he is only another person, but I am honoured to have met such a beautiful and real one. Perhaps this has been an inadequate description, but as I continue more may become apparent. I fully accept that much will become apparent to me also as I struggle to express what I see when I think of him. Contradictions may arise as I wander through the maze of my confused but ever active mind.

What I have described above is confirmation of what I saw the first time I met him. A quick sideways glance while waiting for a coffee to be served shot an image into my brain that I will never forget. This meeting was as if almost preordained. I saw him, he introduced himself, I photographed him and four days later we went to Noosa for a few days holiday. Those days were among the happiest, most free and significant days of my life. Here was someone with whom I had an instant rapport, someone who was intelligent, challenging, accepting and alive. We got on well. There was nothing I could do that he did not find interesting. There was nothing he did of which I was not proud. He wanted to learn, he knew quality, he discovered new interests and he really enjoyed what he chose to like. A short time later we went to the Opera, his first, and a short time after that, we went to Europe. He is someone who should see everything, deserves to see and do everything ,because he is capable of taking the best, the worst and the ordinary and making something out of it for himself and then turning it around and giving much more back to the world. Surely the world needs people like this. What greater joy can I have than sharing and helping, in some small way, someone take their place in the world. I hope that he is making use of it now. Delays and postponements can destroy the momentum and allow lethargy to take over even the best of us. I can make no predictions of what may eventuate but I can explain what I know now , and from this point evolution will take place.

Before I assume the right to discuss his relationship to anyone else, to himself or to the world in general, I should and must discuss his relationship with me. This is for the sake of honesty and fair play. I must have the guts to write me into this if I am to presume to comment on others. This gives them recourse to attack or defend without me having an advantage. I say this in the knowledge that they will never actually see any of this, unless by some accident I drop dead at the terminal and some unscrupulous publisher steals this and prints it. It is mainly an exercise for myself and possibly could be read by him, if he wishes to see what I have written.

Dare I say that I am more fond of and attached to him than any person I have known. I certainly believe that I love him and I suspect that it is the most important love I have ever felt. I do know that what he has done for me, whatever may happen in the future, will never be underestimated. The current affection, of necessity, is always the greatest. Time will tell how it stands up. I feel that I am doing it well. I am trying to ensure that it is good. I may not have another opportunity to reach out to a person like this again and I would like to make it as perfect as possible. I don't expect to pass on, but opportunities like this are rare and who knows if it will ever arise again. Spiritually, mentally and physically I am attached to him. He speaks of the sadness of love that is not returned. Firstly I do not think that love has to be returned for it to exist. The Saints can love the poor without the poor knowing that they even exist. Great love should be unselfish. Not that I have achieved such states of perfection, but at least it is a concept which can and does exist. Notwithstanding this I also believe that whatever the course of events, he does love me in a way, and very much. I will not presume to define it and I doubt that he would be able to either. To me, the actions and words over the last short months fit my definition of love. I would say that he has given me more love in his way than he possibly realises. Perhaps he does not feel comfortable with the love he has given of so freely, but to me it is real , genuine and appreciated. At least I do know that I am playing a significant part in his life.

I recall speaking to him of the music I wished played at my funeral.

"WHEN I AM LAID IN EARTH,

MAY MY WRONGS CREATE NO TROUBLE IN THY BREAST!

REMEMBER ME! BUT AH! FORGET MY FATE!"

I hope to cause no pain. I pray that he can find comfort in having known me. I have given to him all that I know and can, and in return he has done likewise.

When we met I thought he was beautiful and now more so. However it was his life, enthusiasm, gentleness and incredible intelligence that made him so special. The only thing he lacked was the opportunity to expand in the world and the knowledge of what was available to him. I could not understand the life he was leading and why he had resigned himself to limiting himself to the far from noble pursuits he was engaged in. I had very little knowledge of his life except for what he had told me, and I was far from impressed by his girlfriend and lifestyle. I still after this time together cannot believe that there is anything positive in much of what he has told me. Apart from what appears to be one genuine friend who needs some release himself I hope he moves on. I don't know if he is currently happy, confused or depressed, but I would like to think he is at least thinking of moving into a better world. What right do I have to think in such a way. All and none. All, because I can see nothing but destruction if he does not break away; and none, because I must allow him to run his own life for better or worse. However I do care.

I have often thought that his sexuality has barriers that required explanation. In tears one night in a bar in Rome he told me of some family sadness. I do not know exactly what effect this has had on him, but I suspect it is significant in some way, as it would be. I also think there are other things in his life that he has not told me about, which have also had this strange affect on his sexuality. I talk here of sexuality as a whole, not sexual preference. This should not have to be explained, but I suspect I should be clear, not that I believe it is relevant. His relationship with his parents is difficult to explain. There is a significance there that is greater than is required. He needs to come to terms with the fact that he is a person with control of his own destiny. The past is exactly that, and he must come to terms with the present and look to the future. Being human and strong means that you can overcome anything if you have faith in yourself, love yourself and respect others as individuals. Although self love is necessary and good, he often confuses it with self absorption. If only he did not put this pressure on himself. He thinks of himself, feels guilty of always thinking of himself, and therefore thinks of himself more often. Here lies the problem of selfishness. If he stopped at the first step and did not worry about natural self awareness he would not dwell on it and create such a problem that is only destructive. Be self aware but not aware of the act itself.

He is a gentle boy, with a kind heart. In his own time, he is considerate of others like no other. He cannot be rushed. He must take his own pace, while he considers his actions. In some ways this is good to be aware of one's actions but in another there is an unnecessary pause because he sometimes lacks confidence in his own judgment. This only needs practice to realise that he has already created himself and now he must live his own existence. He must no longer doubt that he knows how to behave. He already has perfect natural manners and an ability to spread warmth wherever he is. He needs no more. Let his natural instincts be his guide. He can always reserve the right to apologise or change his mind if, like all of us, he makes the occasional error of judgement. Try, and if it is not the best way of doing things, just try again.

While in Europe he was sometimes pushed to be self reliant and he managed. I was always around to keep an eye on him, but he survived both the demands and the supervision. He now should realise that he can do anything he chooses. He chose to go and he did it. Now for more choices and carry them through. I hope he writes, for he will eventually have much to say. He should sing also to express through music those deep feelings that he might not be able to put into words alone. Not to make up for a lack of literary ability but at least as an alternative way of expressing himself. I expect this boy to make a mark and achieve greatness in himself and possibly the world at large. No matter whether the world realises it or not, he will be important to those individuals who are lucky enough to know him. To date there is only one danger, and that is that he seems to lack the imagination to take a great leap into the future. When he talks of progress and change, the steps are timid and stray not to far from what he knows. One does not abandon and forget what one has done but if movement is not in large steps the journey will be long. We all find security in what we know, but do not let it be a ball and chain. Build on what we have, and use large, fabulous, exciting and new ideas to carry it through. If he wants to create he must have the confidence to free his mind. When he does this he must do it and to hell with those who can not keep up, myself included.

He recently had a performance piece that he wanted to do, but because of something said he lost the desire to show it. He must never do this. There is no point in being creative if we let others influence the outcome. Do it and then asses the impact it has. Do not withdraw before the audience has had a chance. Give them the opportunity to see, feel or learn, not prejudge. I am sad that I missed it and I am sad that he chose not to perform it for me.

He has read some of this and I am beginning to wonder if it is influencing how I write. He made no comment that I noticed, but that was OK. He does not have to, and I suspect it would be difficult. I also had to share it with an old Jewish friend in a maudlin moment of drunkenness. He cried, thought it was beautiful and said no one in his life has ever made him want to or be capable of putting these things into words. He agrees with me that he is a very special person. I am at least reassured that someone now understands how I feel. I need to be understood by someone. I had to have someone to share my joy, and agree that I am correct in my observations and what I would like to offer. It is not necessary, I guess, but it does not hurt to occasionally receive approval for ones actions and thoughts. Forget the bad grammar and clumsy misuse of the English language. As long as I get my feelings across, and most importantly paint a true picture of one of the greatest gifts ever given to me, in the person and presence of this person. He may never really understand. Perhaps I underestimate him. He is my love, my child, my teacher, my peer, my inspiration, my joy, and my God he is beautiful.

There is a slight possibility that so many compliments etc. could lead to arrogance. That is the chance I must take. It is up to him to put things in perspective. I will look after my motives and behaviour and he must look after his. No doubt he will make mistakes, and probably big ones, but so what. He will survive. If we make no blunders it means we have taken no chances and have not begun to live.

Why am I writing this? Perhaps because no one, including the, believes me. I need to see it in black and white to reassure myself that it is real, that it did happen and that may still happen. I may not gain any respect for this but, life is short and I want to live mine the way I choose, I want to think the way I do and I will not, and have no desire to change. I like what I am. The world at large may disagree, so what. They can all be wrong. I do not believe in force of numbers.

Why are we on this earth? This is the big one. The meaning of life. I do not think I am about to answer it here, but it is a good question to ask. I am not sure why we are here but we definitely have a desire to know. We are individuals and when it is reduced down we are alone. The only life we lead is our own. We strive to know others to get to know ourselves or to reassure ourselves that we are here and that we matter. The way we get to know others is to get close to them. To get close to them we love. Love is a quest, concern, an attempt to understand, and a desire to be a part of a life other than our own. I try to understand him, to be part of his life. I am not losing anything but adding to my existence. He should realise that I also do not want to take from his life but to add to it. There is room. There is a difference between trying to change someone's life and trying to add to it. Adding and expanding do not remove anything, it just puts more in. We never lose what we know and what we have done. It is all still there.

I feel that I am lecturing at times. I am however aware that even though I am putting all this on paper, he is still the most perfect person I know. It is as if I am preaching to the converted. If anyone else I knew was as real as he, life would be so much simpler. The things I say are already part of his life, and I would say that he is more aware of them than I am. Do I presume too much. However since this is my story and not a conversation, I am limited to my thoughts and not able to take advantage of his wisdom. He has so much to teach me. I never want to stop learning. I will be dead a long time. This appears very complex and heavy when written but it is not . Everything I have said is really the simplest way to live ones life. It is a very convoluted way of trying to clear away the bullshit and get down to simple reality. Maybe this is more bullshit.

No! No! No!

I refuse to accept that.

While I write I feel that I am in a very special and extraordinary world. The Ivory Tower is standing firm. Is it the words, or is it that while I write, it is as if I am with him. When he is around I suffer no pains and my mind awakens. When I think of him it is the same. Some might call it madness. The world in general leaves much to be desired, so who can blame me for wanting to create a new special world of my own. It is real if I wish it to be. A world full of beauty. Physical, moral, intellectual, and spiritual perfection . I can survive in here. I will survive in here. This is happiness as I know it best. If I could cry on paper I would have tears of joy. Life is good to me. But by God I work at it. Look around. Does everyone have their eyes closed. Have they shut down their brains. Sometimes it is an embarrassing ego trip when people say "Why didn't I listen to you". I guess I can not go around giving advice if I I do not accept that people will sometimes hear me and remember what I said. This is a touch of self awareness. Thoughts that we do have privately in our brain seem less than perfect when brought out into the open. Perhaps this is a good way of keeping an eye on yourself. Keep it under control. I want to leave a mark. When it is time, I want to leave the world with something that it did not have before. I do not mean on the grand scale. Something small, something personal, something that only a few will be aware of, but something good. If I can have just one good thought, it will then exist, and cannot be unthought. It will exist. There are two pictures of him on my desk as I write and when you look into his eyes it is like looking into the meaning of existence. There is no misunderstanding. When he lifts the veil I believe he will astound us. He already astounds me. You look into his face and you can see that he knows it all. This is not extraordinary that someone can, but that here is someone who is truly human and will realise the potential that all humanity should be capable of. The wealth of human history is within us all if we dare to see it. He looks like he belongs here. He fits in. He has taken his place. He smiles. He is living."